For the first time, I said it out loud.
I am angry and disappointed with God.
I know some of you may be surprised to hear this coming from me but it's true.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am disappointed.
Since my brother was killed 5 months ago, to be honest, I had not the same desire to attend church, read my bible, or even pray. Leading up to my brother’s death, I had been diligently studying the book of Acts reading about the miracles and wonders that were taking place. I remember being in the hospital room with my brother praying in the spirit, believing that this whole thing would be a part of his testimony and that he would miraculously come back to good health, heal, and get up out that bed... But he didn't. I remember feeling overwhelmingly confused and angry. I just read about the miracles that Jesus and his disciples performed... I know what the Lord is capable of... I've seen it with my own eyes!! Why is my brother not alive?! The same God I had been reading about who healed the sick and raised the dead did not bring my brother back to life...like Lazarus.
I have so many questions.
2 weeks ago, I wasn't going to go to church but I felt an urging to go. As soon as I walked into the church, my spirit was grieved. I started to cry as soon as the praise team started to sing. Even through the upbeat fast songs, all I could do is cry. Every day I go on and I'm able to hold myself together but for some reason, church is the only place that I can't.
The sermon that day was about the Holy Spirit being a gift. When Pastor E. talked about the Holy Spirit being a constant gift- I broke. The dam that had held back my angry tears broke and they all came rushing forward. The weight of carrying my anger was too heavy. The enemy had me to believe that if I admitted my anger, especially toward God, or questioned why he didn’t show up in the way I think he should- that God would be angry with me and no longer accept me or use me for His glory. In my heart, I knew this wasn't true but in my head I somehow believed this.
At church that day, the truth of God’s word penetrated my heart so deeply that I could no longer hold onto the anger and fear like I had been. In the presence of the Lord I was free! That day, I opened up my physical bible, for the first time, since Oct 6, 2019- I completely broke. As soon as I said out loud to God what I truly felt in my heart and allowed the tears to flow freely with no restraint, I immediately felt a relief and a release of freedom.
This is relationship.
I have been so hesitant to share this truth of my faith because of the fear of what others may think but it has been heavy on my heart. I share this because religion would tell you not to question God but relationship gives space for true connection. Religion would tell you, you aren't allowed to be angry or disappointed but if you look at the scriptures we see that relationship requires honesty.
Here is what I learned that day...
1. God can handle our emotions. In order to surrender my emotions, I have to acknowledge them.
2. True relationship with God is formed overtime. Just like any relationship, consistency, love, and investment of time is needed to get to know and trust the other person.
3. God is not a genie or vending machine. God does not owe me anything. God has a plan for my life and it certainly is not to harm me.
4. God gives us free will. Although He has a plan, we have choices. We must hold ourselves accountable for the decisions we make. In this season, I have to decide if I will draw closer to him or distant from him... That is my choice.
5. God knows my heart and I don't have to hold anything from Him. There is such freedom in knowing that my emotions and feelings do not change Gods love for me.
Friends, don't let religion drive you away from forming a relationship with God. What we feel in our heart He already knows... God is not offended by our anger.
If you are not a believer in God, know that you too should not hold and hide your heart. Anger is such a heavy burden to bear; find someone or somewhere to release it all, cry it out, and seek the help that you need.
Be honest, true and authentic in who you are. Get the help, cry the tears, and overtime as we put in the work… we will heal.
This is truly a struggle but know that there is peace and healing on the other side.
In Love and Light,