Growing up, I often times felt “in the middle”; between care givers, whom I loved, who were engaging in an unspoken competition of their value to me and my siblings. While it was never explicitly expressed, overtime I developed a sense of not wanting to “over love” one care giver to protect the ego and feelings of another. Frankly, I am fully aware and understand that it was not intentional but a result of their own experiences. They all did the best they could with what they had at the time to offer and I am now appreciative of.
Up until recently I have had an outlook that said “I only have a fixed amount of love to give so if I begin to give more love to someone, it takes away love from someone else.” It also meant that I could only love a certain amount of people because I only had so much love to give. I recognized the patterns I learned as a child carried over into my adulthood. This resulted in having a very small amount of people that I loved and trusted… there was no room for anyone else. #NoNewFriends. The flipside of this was also true… That meant everyone else also had a fixed amount of love so if someone I loved started showing love to someone else… that meant they loved me less. If my best friend got a new friend, I would feel jealous and threatened because that meant less love and attention for me… this was true for ANY relationship in my life. Can you relate?
One day about seven years ago or so, my husband asked me “Don’t you know that love is abundant? That you can fully love someone and fully love someone else too?” WHAT?! My mind was blown. It has taken many years for me to internalize this truth… that there is no fixed amount of love. To be honest, there are times I have to remind myself of this when I catch myself falling into old patterns of thinking. This revelation has granted me much freedom in my life and in my relationships. I try to be conscious about the way I show up with my daughter as it relates to her expressions of love with me and others. I find myself making little comments sometimes about how much she loves her daddy as it compares to her expressions of love for me and I have to stop myself (even if I am joking) because I don’t want her to feel like she has to quantify or ration how much love she expresses to others, or herself.
Here are five notable truths I have learned about love as I have examined my own relationship with love:
I don’t have to know you to love you.
Many times we reserve our love for our family and our friends but the more I explore love the more I realize I can freely love without conditions or limitations. Even if I don’t know you, I can show you love because you are an imperfect human navigating this difficult world just like me. We are all doing the best we can. I can tell you I love you… I can share expressions of love with you with sincerity and confidence just because you are who you are and that takes nothing away from who I am.
We all have a need to love and be loved.
At the end of the day we all need to experience love AND the opportunity to express our love. In many ways the world may say you need to earn love or you don’t deserve it – beloved, this is not true. You deserve to be loved JUST AS YOU ARE! Without you needing to do anything to deserve or earn love, you are worthy. Regardless of the circumstances that brought you here – you were created from love and purposed to be who you are. Because of this truth, you have permission to give love freely as well!
Boundaries are an expression of love.
This may be another post for a different day but me setting boundaries with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you… it means I love me too. Sometimes expressions of love mean drawing clear lines with others. I can still love you and chose not to allow myself to get caught up in drama, abuse, and interactions that are not loving and life giving for my well-being.
I can love because He first loved me.
The greatest example of love for me is God. God’s love is powerful and has changed what love looks like for me. God’s everlasting love has pursued me and has been a constant example of faithfulness and sacrifice. I do not have to earn His love nor can works make Him love me more… I am loved just because I exist… I find so much safety and comfort in that. This is true about you too!
Much of our beliefs are carried over from what we learned (directly and indirectly) as a child.
It’s so important to explore our beliefs and ways of being as adults because many times they stem from what we experienced as a child. If we do not take the time to explore and discover who we are and how we show up, we could be missing out on a life that is intentional, authentic, and healed. We have to acknowledge a thing to heal a thing. It’s not about placing blame, judgement, or shame on anyone but simply about understanding the context of who you are so that you can make conscious choices toward who you are becoming.
I encourage you to spend some time exploring your own outlook and beliefs on love. Through this self-exploration of love, you may be able to see places where you want to lean into your truth and places where what you believed to be true is not – give yourself permission to grow.
Are there beliefs you have learned and/or adopted that have hindered you from experiencing the fullness of love in your life? Below are some journal prompts to get you started!
Peace & Blessings,
Jaralyn R.
